We are usually mindful of keeping a clean home, garage, car, office, etc. We make efforts at staying clutter free and squeaky clean. We trash, recycle, donate and put our stuff on eBay, bring to consignments shops, have garage sales or send to less fortunate countries. We clean our bodies from within with different detox or cleanse programs. We even clean our minds with different forms of meditation. Some of us put more effort into this than others of course, but fewer of us put this or any effort into cleansing our Relationship!

Yes, cleansing our relationship. Your relationship and its vitality have a huge impact on your general health, productivity, life satisfaction and overall wellness. Relationships can be filthy, cluttered and unhealthy with:

Poor hygiene or self-care, cutting the other off when speaking or finishing their sentences, endlessly speaking about oneself and showing no interest in the other’s world, allowing distractions during meals or talks, taking other people’s sides in stories, running late, not keeping promises, not making timely plans and keeping them, not cleaning up after oneself, not showing common courtesies (a call when running late, offering food when getting oneself something, saying thank you, not making noise when the other is sleeping, not leaving dishes in the sink, not leaving hair in the shower or wet towels on the bed, etc.).

Not having a consistent place for things and putting things away, not having a consistent agreed upon routine, calling insistently and leaving disgruntled messages, reacting to petty things and blowing things out of proportion, not finishing tasks or conversations, juggling a lot of things simultaneously and operating with constant stress, not saying no and allowing multiple demands to tug at you, not setting clear expectations and limits, not having support, now working as a team, undermining each other, operating from own agendas.

Doing everything together, not having own interests or personal time, telling each other how to be, behave, think, feel and having a running commentary in one’s mind about this, not allowing for individuality and uniqueness, putting own needs aside consistently for the other, not identifying own needs and being overly caring of the other, worrying about what the other is or is not doing, not having own voice, pushing for “We” at expense of “I”.

Having a limited repertoire of joint activities, not eating meals together, going to bed at different times, having only personal pursuits, having too much alone or with own group time, not sharing inner world (feelings, thoughts, wishes, dreams, concerns), not sharing one’s activities / world, having more separate plans than joint, not having joint goals, not sharing a calendar, paying bills separately

Lack of TLC, having a limited repertoire of intimate moves or approach to intimacy, having “sex” less than one time per week, not showing appreciation or acknowledgment, not checking in throughout the day, not greeting each other hello or goodbye and having that include touching, not sharing affection, not being on each other’s priority list, not being thoughtful with little things (getting partner a drink when getting oneself one, using all the hot water, doing only one’s laundry, not picking up the cleaners, not putting in gas in the car, eating the last of a favorite dish or dessert, etc.).

Disrespect with yelling, cursing, interrupting, or digging at the other, not supporting activities, wishes, or the other’s uniqueness and needs, undermining by not keeping agreements, setting up interactions not conducive to the task at hand, controlling by “owning” the other, manipulation to get own way or not allow the other to get theirs, passive-aggressiveness in not showing up and being accountable, criticism, banter and jokes at the other’s expense, constant complaining and whining, gossiping about others and leaking energy out of the relationship, lies, cover ups and secrets, resentment, anger and lack of resolution to concerns, not allowing each other to express feelings, not allowing each other to be their own person, being self absorbed. If any of these are a part of your relationship, it can stand to have a little Spring Cleaning. Pick a couple of items from above to address and get rid of them pronto! Don’t let them accumulate and deprive you of a healthy, thriving, joyful, satisfying relationship and its benefits!

Happy Cleaning!

Submitted by Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT
Relationship Expert
Get Your Complimentary Gift Today!
“Turn Your Relationship Around”
Downloadable One Hour Audio and Handout Presentation
www.metrorelationship.com

For plenty of couples, MONEY tops the list of issues they argue most about.

Fights are often about style, not substance; meaning it’s not the topic that’s the problem, it’s usually the manner in which it’s being discussed. There are a lot of emotions behind our financial decisions—and adding emotion to a rational conversation about money is like adding lighter fluid to a fire.

However, when broached calmly, these discussions can actually lead to clearer goals, more defined roles, better communication, and ultimately, a better relationship.

Common issues that come up:

Whether you view your finances as “the couple’s money” or “my money”

More likely than not, one spouse earns more than the other. But if you’re combining finances, which many couples eventually do, try to understand and identify the non-monetary value the lower earning spouse is adding to the relationship — like taking care of the kids, or the home, or going back to school to earn a degree for better future earning potential. Also, remember that not all careers have the same earning power or potential. For example, a teacher will generally earn less than a banker, but this doesn’t mean that the teacher isn’t as smart, educated, dedicated, professional, as hard working and as successful as the banker.

“I’m a saver and you’re a spender!”

It’s common for partners to have different spending philosophies. Talk about and understand how your choices affect not only your bottom line, but also your partner’s feelings. Discuss how big–and even smaller, everyday purchases–are handled. Then there’s a roadmap to follow instead, such as, “Oh, I didn’t realize it would bother you when I bought XYZ…”

Couples moving in together without discussing finances prior to the move

If you’re moving in together or getting married, now’s the time to discuss how merging your finances will affect the other person. Joining forces could resolve some issues, while causing others: loss of independence, for example. Or, if one of you has bad credit, you’ll want to wait until those issues are sorted out.

“I think my partner has a spending addiction.”

There are spending addictions that – just like drugs or alcohol dependencies — require treatment. Know that there are therapists and treatment programs (including 12-step) out there who specialize in these areas.

Finally: don’t shy away from these issues and discussions, even if you think it may start a fight. Research shows that couples who have healthy discussions about hot-button topics are more likely to be satisfied with their relationships than those who avoid conflict. The trick is to choose the right moment. Schedule time with your partner as you would a business meeting: keep it to an hour, and create an agenda, use language that keeps your talk constructive, not destructive.

Try using “I” statements– so instead of saying “YOU did this, YOU spent that, try, “I have some concerns” OR, “We made an agreement six months ago to save $X, and it looks like that hasn’t happened. Can we go over the numbers and figure it out?”

These are ways to have an effective dialogue – without blaming, without shaming — that help with all kinds of communication—and once you’ve mastered those, money talks are easy.”

As yet another Valentine’s Day approaches, I’ve stopped to think about the true essence of the holiday. While its red roses and heart-shaped boxes of candy have become ubiquitous, in actuality, Valentine’s Day stands for so much more than those symbols.

Valentine’s Day is a celebration of love and romance – two of the most important ingredients that make up a healthy relationship. Much like our yearly wedding anniversary, Valentine’s Day should serve as a reminder to all couples of the importance of honoring their love, connection and devotion to each other.

So this year when you’re sitting down to write a romantic or sexy card, be sure to say thank you in your words and deeds. Tell your partner that you appreciate having him or her in your life, day in and day out. Make a commitment to honor the romance in your relationship not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day.

Consider making Valentine’s Day a “New Year’s resolution” for your romance. Each Valentine’s Day talk about what’s important to your relationship. Promise to keep romance and date night alive and well. Pledge to put sex back on the front burner where it belongs. Promise to love, cherish and adore each other for each day forward. And remember how lucky you are to have someone special in your life.

The holidays are all about merry-making, so what better excuse is there to use the time to have some extra fun in the bedroom?Use the season to spice things up with your partner and add some sexy fun to your love life. Here are 5 sexy ways from our team to spice up your holiday season:

Instead of stuffing your partner’s stockings with the usual gifts, try something new this year. Make a booklet of “love coupons” or leave appointment cards for a fun, sexy date that your partner just has to show up for. Remember — when you give, you shall receive!

When the kids are in bed, take the opportunity to enjoy your alone time. Don’t think that you have be celebrating something to have a glass of wine or champagne. Make your night special with some bubbly and cuddle up by the fire before heading to bed. You never know what will happen next!

If you’ve been looking for an excuse to do a little role-play, you have it! Ladies, get playful with Santa hats or stockings and reverse the role on your guy. Ask him if he’s been good or bad, and take it from there…

Instead of giving material gifts this year, opt for making each other happy in another way instead. Talk about your fantasies and agree on two that each of you want to try out. You’ll be looking forward to Christmas morning in an entirely new way!

Use the code: love4theholidays to buy a monthly subscription of Déjàmor and get 30% off until the end of the month. You’ll have 3 months of looking forward to sexy dates and fun with your partner, all delivered right to your doorstep. Check out one of our samples here and do something to really spice up your new year!

You’ve been there: It’s been months (maybe years) since you entered into a relationship, and sometimes you find yourself missing the days when things were always hot and heavy. Now, things are routine — sweet, maybe — but still predictably routine.

Passion fades in relationships — it’s not really news, but new research now showshow science plays a big role in it. Sonja Lyubomirsky, professor of psychology and author of new book The Myths of Happiness: What Should Make You Happy, but Doesn’t, What Shouldn’t Make You Happy, but Does., debunks some common myths of fading passion in a recent New York Times article.

Myth: The end of the ‘honeymoon phase’ usually just means couples feel less passion in their relationship.
Fact: Research has found that, on average, a couple phases out of the ‘honeymoon phase’ after two years of marriage. While most people expect the passion to simmer down after this time, studies have found that couples are also generally less happy than when first married. This is simply because couples experience a boost of extra happiness (that feeling of pure wedded bliss) when they’re first married, and it, too, fades just like passion.

Myth: Passion fades because couples get bored.
Fact:: Contrary to this commonly accepted idea, couples don’t lose passion because they get bored. People are prone to something called hedonic adaptation, particularly when it comes to positive experiences like love and happiness. Simply put: We psychologically and physiologically take good things for granted because we get used to them. Sexual passion and arousal are especially victims of this.

Myth: The change in passion and love is because couples aren’t working hard enough to keep it fresh.
Fact: A Couple’s lack of effort in trying to keep their relationship feeling novel isn’t completely the problem here. Again — science has a lot to do with it too. As no-brainer as it sounds, it comes down to the fact that humans are biologically hard-wired to want variety in their lives. Scientists compare the effect of variety to that of drugs: It gives you a rush of dopamine (the ‘happy hormone’) and a high that’s addictive. So, getting bored might not be completely to blame on a couple, but changing things up can really help.

Myth: There’s no way to always keep things feeling new in a long-term relationship.
Fact: The idea isn’t to make your relationship feel new, per se. Researchers found that when couples added an element of surprise into their activities, it did just the trick to add the excitement back. For example, studies at the University of Virginia and Harvard showed that people felt longer bursts of happiness when their partners did something kind for them — seemingly, for no reason. We pay attention, appreciate and tend to remember a novel circumstance. And researchers say people are less likely to take their marriage for granted when it continues to give them strong emotional reactions like those from a surprising act.

Dating is nerve-racking at any age, more so when you’re over 40. You will be a completely different person since you started dating 20 or 30 years ago, and byy this time you should already know what you want. So, stop beating around the bush and decide on finding someone worth your time – otherwise, don’t bother. Also around this time, you should be seeking out a partner you can spend the next chapter of your adult life with. Yes, putting yourself out there can be so frustrating, but if you have enough guts to do it, you might just find the right person for you if you try. Here are a few tips on how you can start dating again after 40:

When you’re over 40, you have probably gotten over all the insecurities you had when you were in the early stages of adulthood. Hopefully, this time, you already know how to love yourself. Don’t beat yourself up over trivial things you shouldn’t even bother with. Continue to grow into a loving, caring person anyone would be lucky enough to have. Don’t wallow in the wounds left by your past relationships. Know that you are worth someone’s love and affection in spite of all your mistakes in the past. You are no longer that naïve 20-year-old who thought they could change a person, or that teenager who let herself get eaten up by jealousy. You know better now, and it’s your chance to prove it.

If you think that all the anger and pain you have in your heart is the reason you can’t open up to someone, it’s time to let it go. People change. Move on and get better. Don’t carry all of those negative feelings inside you for too long – the longer you keep them, the sadder life will be. Accept that some people move forward faster than others. Don’t put them down. Instead, try to do it for yourself.

It’s your choice to live a more positive, hate-free life. Once you embrace a sunnier disposition, life will start opening up new things for you. At 40, it would be nice to see things in a new light. By this time, you should be able to do more things that you only dreamt of doing before. It would be wonderful to share it with someone you love, too.

A lot of people over 40 start thinking that they are better off alone, so it’s harder to get out there and try to meet someone who might try to fill a void in their lives. Women get that “I don’t need a man” thing going, and men get that whole perpetual bachelor thing going, too. However, at some point, something inside compels them to try and find someone worth their time. If you didn’t think that time would come for you, tell yourself that there’s nothing wrong in wanting to be with someone and sharing your life with them. Even if you’ve gotten used to being alone, open up to someone and see what they can do to you. Give it a try and see how they can make your days better.

The cure to all the anxiety about dating again could be to confidently believe in your charm. Go out, mingle and maybe you’ll find a suitable partner. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there for a chance at happiness. It’s never too late to find the perfect person for you, so go out there and seek him out. Don’t forget to enjoy the whole thing!

About the author:
Ryan Rivera suffered from a host of anxiety problems that affected his personal life, but he’s since addressed them all with tips he discusses at www.calmclinic.com

Some people spend their entire lives dreaming of finding everlasting love — and some are the definition of it. Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher are those people. The James City, North Carolina couple were constant partners in marriage and life for 86 years, 9 months and 16 days before death parted them. On February 27, 2011 Herbert passed away at the age of 105, leaving his beloved wife Zelmyra, 103 at the time, alone for the first time in nearly 90 years.

The couple’s beautiful love story is the stuff of legend, really. To this day, they hold the Guinness World Record for the world’s longest marriage of a living couple. In a day when it seems harder and hard to make a marriage work, the Fishers are the definition of commitment and undying love through the hardest of times.

As the ideal model couple,  the Fishers took to Twitter on Valentine’s Day of 2010 (yes, really) to answer questions about how they made their love last for over 80 years. Here is some marriage advice, courtesy of the world’s longest married couple:

When asked how the couple knew they could be together forever, they said it came down to being friends, first: “We grew up together & were best friends before we married. A friend is for life — our marriage has lasted a lifetime.”

The Fishers admitted to Jet magazine that they didn’t fight much, and told a Tweeter what they learned when they did butt heads: “Remember marriage is not a contest – never keep a score. God has put the two of you together on the same team to win. Agree that it’s okay to disagree, & fight for what really matters. Learn to bend — not break!”

Recounting her most special Valentine’s Day memory, Zelmyra divulged that it was one particularly simple, yet utterly romantic gesture Herbert made that was the most memorable: “I cook dinner EVERY day. [One Valentine's Day] Herbert left work early & surprised me — he cooked dinner for me! He is a VERY good cook!” And yet, Herbert said, it was her happiness that meant the most to him: “I said that I was going to cook dinner for her and she could relax — the look on her face & clean plate made my day!”

So, what was the secret to their everlasting marriage? Zelmyra said there wasn’t one. Their best advice: “There’s no secret to our marriage, we just did what was needed for each other and our family. Respect, support and communicate with each other. Be faithful, honest & true. Love each other with ALL of your heart.”

Most experts agree that sharing is often a healthy way to alleviate stress and get another perspective on a bothersome situation. But when it comes your relationship, there can definitely be such as a thing as over-sharing. Your partner should sometimes be the only person you need to talk to about your relationship problems.

We talked to our in-house relationship expert, Annette Gates, and she told us about 5 relationship details never to share with others and why. Firstly, let’s address this extremely misused word: always (‘never’ also counts). Rarely does someone always or never do something, and it’s completely unfair to use these terms — especially when it’s about someone you love. Negative blame is most often a matter of perception, and both partners have their parts to play in a situation. By telling someone only your side of the story using these terms you them a very misconstrued version of the problem. You also continue to portray your partner in a very negative light not only to others, but to yourself, and this can be the beginning of harboring deep-set resentment — which is never healthy. Avoid using extreme terms if you must vent, and try understanding what other factors could be leading your partner to “always” or “never” do something.

On the flip side of things, you should avoid going on and on about just “how perfect” things are in your relationship. Every relationship has its problems, and this is perfectly normal. By trying to convince yourself it’s void of problems is delusional and unhealthy and could make you less likely to handle a real problem productively. If you feel like you need support or advice from friends and family, be realistic, understand your problems and share them as they are. You can’t get the proper feedback if you’re not telling the truth.

Avoid recounting the nit-picky, dramatic he-said-she-said of your fights to someone else. When you’re worked up as it is, and you start painting a gory picture, it’s easy to get caught up (and distracted) by your own dramatic story. Your feelings can become misconstrued and dramatic story-telling can leave the listener to misinterpret and create their own version of the story. A story within a story is not a good idea, so again — stick to the basics and be conservative with your words.

This really should go without saying — don’t call your partner names to someone else. This constitutes for gossiping, and while your anger is never a good reason to call anyone names, your partner should especially not be a victim of your words. Remember that what comes out of your mouth goes into your listener’s ear, and you’re only helping to poison your partner’s image — maybe beyond recovery.

When you commit to a person, you commit to be their confidant and best friend. It doesn’t mean you have to share your every deepest, darkest secret, but it does mean you shouldn’t share them with others. It’s extremely important to have a strong foundation of trust in a relationship and sharing things with others you don’t tell your partner can compromise that feeling of security. If you feel like your partner won’t be understanding for some reason, then address that issue first before you give up on confiding in him/her. Go to a therapist or counselor if you need to, but keep working at it; it’s the only way to a strong relationship.


Annette Gates is a sex & relationship coach, with offices in New York City and San Francisco. She offers private sessions, teaching and talks in person and via phone/Skype. For more info, visit: www.annettegates.com

As with anything in a relationship, romance is a two-way street. Why should the guy always be in charge of wooing and romancing?They deserve to be shown some sweet love too, ladies!

The idea is just that: show him love. You might say the words at the end of the night or kiss goodbye, but really expressing love is different. As you already know, it’s nice to be reminded with a gesture every now and then of your appreciation and limitless affection. So to get you thinking, here are 10 romantic ideas to show your man love:

When was the last time you swept your guy off his feet with a passionate, knee-weakening kiss? When he’s least expecting it, give him a kiss that will remind him of the days when you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. And when he asks you what he did to deserve that, smile and say you ‘just felt like it.’

Next time your man comes home from a long day of work or finishes up some of the chores, offer him a relaxing massage. Don’t ask for one in return just then — let it be about him right now. Shower him with love, and you’ll be sure to get it back eventually. Bonus points if you do it in the buff!

Remember the days when Mom used to make the best lunches that you knew were just packed with love? Remind him of that feeling by packing him a yummy meal, and include a love note with it wishing him a good day at work. (Naughty notes are okay, too!)

You love it when your guy brings home flowers, right? Recreate that feeling for him with something you know he’ll love. Maybe it’s tickets to a game he wants to watch or even as simple as picking up his favorite beer that he can kick back and relax with. It doesn’t have to be expensive — just something he’ll love!

Showing your appreciation can go a long way, so don’t wait for him to do something big to thank him for everything else he does. Buy a card if you have to, but make sure and tell him how you feel in your own words, too. Just find a way to tell him you appreciate him.

When you’re feeling up to it, treat your guy to a little extra in bed. Give his nether regions some more attention, or offer to do his favorite position that night. And make sure you let him know how much you’re enjoying it, too!

Passion is essential, but sometimes a guy just needs some TLC. Wake him up by sweetly kissing his lips, cheeks, forehead — all over. Then, shower him with warm hugs while you rub his back or run your fingers through his hair. Even the most macho of men won’t be able to resist all this sweet love!

Even if it’s just for the weekend and to a local B&B, plan a trip with your guy and surprise him with it. Schedule activities you know he’ll love, and then spoil him with any of the above!

Whether your guy’s into role play or just loves seeing you in sexy lingerie, indulge him for one night. If you’re feeling bold, just walk around the house nude and see how much he appreciates your effort!

Create a playlist of songs that remind you of your guy — they can be party james, sweet ballads or just silly stuff — and then put it on his iPod without him knowing it. Leave him a note and ask him to listen to it throughout the day, and he’ll be feeling good and thinking about you at the same time!

More on Déjàmor

• Just the Two of Us: 10 Unique Date Ideas
• Date Night Playlist: 15 Super Romantic Love Songs
• Let’s Get Technical: 8 Intimate Apps for Couples
• Get Frisky: 8 Reasons Why Sex is Good for You
• 3 Simple Ways to Turn Her On

The post 10 Romantic Ideas to Show Your Man Love appeared first on Dejamor.

]]> http://dejamor.com/10-romantic-ideas-to-show-your-man-love/feed/ 4 http://dejamor.com/happy-thanksgiving-from-the-dejamor-team/ http://dejamor.com/happy-thanksgiving-from-the-dejamor-team/#comments Thu, 22 Nov 2012 05:00:29 +0000 foram http://dejamor.com/?p=5147 Happy Thanksgiving from the Déjàmor Team! by Foram Mehta Happy Thanksgiving and much love to our readers and customers out there! We hope that this day finds you all happy, warm and surrounded by good company — and of course, good food! The team, here at Déjàmor has had so many things to be grateful [...]

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]]> Happy Thanksgiving from the Déjàmor Team!

Happy Thanksgiving and much love to our readers and customers out there! We hope that this day finds you all happy, warm and surrounded by good company — and of course, good food!

The team, here at Déjàmor has had so many things to be grateful for this year — firstly to all of you out there for buying our product and spreading the word! It gives us no greater pleasure than to help others to enjoy and rekindle their love.

In lieu of giving thanks today, we’d like to personally share with you some other things we’re grateful for! Here are some words from the team:

“I’m most thankful for the opportunity to serve humanity on their paths to sexual wholeness. And also for my hop-hop playlist that accompanies me on my runs!
——Annette Gates, Relationship Expert & Sexologist

“I’m most thankful to be able to speak to you all everyday and help spread the wisdom of our team so your love can grow again! Plus, doing it from the crazy streets of NYC is pretty amazing too!”
——Foram Mehta, Blog Editor

“I’m most thankful for my health and the health of my loved ones and to be apart of of such a caring community who are continuing to care for those in need post-Hurricane Sandy. Also, gnocchi.”
——Chris Caruso, CTO & Co-Founder

“I’m most thankful for the opportunity to positively impact my wife’s and other couples’ lives with Déjàmor. I now have a persistent reminder to nurture my relationship, and I hope Déjàmor inspires others to do the same.”
——Rodrigo Fuentes, CEO & Co-Founder”

To all the lovers out there: we hope your day is filled with endless love and happiness today! Happy Thanksgiving, again!

—Love, The Déjàmor team